


Fool for You

by taeminki



Category: B.A.P
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-08
Updated: 2017-09-25
Packaged: 2018-11-29 14:16:07
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 14
Words: 19,862
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11442597
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/taeminki/pseuds/taeminki
Summary: By the time Yongguk and Daehyun decidedclosejust wasn't closeenough, (too many) things had changed.





	1. space (prologue)

"Are shots made of just anything?" Daehyun wondered, a little giggle accompanying the curiosity. His curious eyes followed Yongguk's hands as they fixed him another shot-- one steady hand on the glass, another steady hand pouring the alcohol. Daehyun almost kissed the hand that handed him the shot, but he stopped himself, broke the intention with another giggle. He collected his shot and downed it before Yongguk even had a chance to grab his own shot glass. Yongguk poured himself another, and then another, and he wished and wished to get drunk but the alcohol just wouldn't cloud his brain.

"I think you could have a shot of _orange juice_ , if you wanted," Yongguk deadpanned about three minutes after Daehyun asked. Daehyun looked confused, clearly having forgotten his question, but then another stupid giggle came about his lips and he said "I'd love a shot of orange juice!" and Yongguk actually got up, though reluctant, and went to his kitchen, and came back with a new shot glass and the last of his orange juice.

"You--" Daehyun giggled and pulled Yongguk in, kissed the corner of his mouth, missed the grimace on his boyfriend's face, "--are the best."

He giggled through his shot of orange juice without choking, somehow-- a wonder of Jung Daehyun that Bang Yongguk would never figure out. All he could do was stare-- sitting across from Jung Daehyun, watching him giggle, remembering when he had admired moments like this. Now they just felt numb-- numb and dull, with Yongguk's throat going dry, with his hands trying to soothe it, pouring himself another shot, and finding his mouth even drier afterwards.

"More, more," Daehyun begged, putting his shot glass down. He clapped his hands as Yongguk picked up the orange juice and poured him another shot. Yongguk only had enough orange juice left to have a glass with his breakfast in the morning, but he watched Daehyun down some of it in a shot-- and then in another, and another, and another. Daehyun must have thought he was getting more drunk. The alcohol was long forgotten; long gone. Daehyun downed his orange shots and giggled and giggled and giggled, and didn't choke a single time.

"Daehyun," Yongguk started when he thought Daehyun might be sobering up. He had stopped giggling but he wasn't exactly serious, either. He was attentive; he looked at Yongguk and he had a little smile and Yongguk remembered loving him. He remembered loving Daehyun so, _so_  much; he remembered feeling like he'd never loved anyone more; like he'd never loved anyone else -- like he'd never really _loved_  anyone.

"I--" and Yongguk didn't know what to say. Here he was, looking at his boyfriend, who got drunk off of one glass, five shots, and then fifteen more of orange juice. There he was, half a bottle and six shots in and he was still as sober as ever. Daehyun wasn't blurry until he started crying; "I can't be with you anymore."

Daehyun just stared at him-- stared and stared. He looked uncomfortable and confused. He looked like he might cry--

and then he doubled over the couch and puked on Yongguk's carpet.


	2. was

"Hello?" Daehyun wondered, hoping this phone call might be quick. He hadn't even bothered to check who was calling; the damn ringing was so distracting, he just wanted it to stop. He was perched on his couch, hoping to get the last of his notes copied before his test tomorrow. He was _almost done_ \-- ten more minutes, and then he could take a nap, and continue to study in an hour. He just really, _really_  needed this done first--

"Daehyun!" Yongguk. Daehyun hadn't heard from Yongguk in a while; at least, not his voice. They'd shot a couple messages back and forth, and had even seen each other's faces through Snapchat, but physically meeting and touching and hearing each other's voices had been a dream for about a month. Yongguk was on an abroad trip-- studying abroad, what a dream. Daehyun wished he could have joined him.

"Hyung? Isn't it pretty early over there?" Daehyun wondered. He wasn't entirely sure where Yongguk was-- had forgotten the moment Yongguk told him. It was some little country he'd never even heard of before, but the pictures told Daehyun it was a very beautiful place, and Yongguk told him the people and the food were both very lovely. Daehyun wasn't even sure what language they spoke, but he knew he'd rather be there than here.

"Actually, it's 3:27-- afternoon." Yongguk said. Daehyun frowned, glancing to the clock on his wall to check the time. He thought the numbers sounded familiar; that happened to be the moment's time. He wasn't sure what to say for a moment-- not until his head caught up with his beating heart and he asked, with some exclamation, "Are you back in Korea?!"

"I might be standing right outside, actually." Yongguk said. Daehyun began to scramble up, sleep and notes forgotten. He asked "Why didn't you come in then, you idiot?!" and he made it to his door, and he flung it open, and, sure enough, there was Yongguk. Daehyun laughed-- a happy laugh right in Yongguk's face and then over his shoulder as his body came into contact with the older male's, chest against chest, arms around shoulders. Yongguk began to laugh, too, and responded to Daehyun's previous question, "I guess I just wanted you to find your surprise."

"How long have you been back?" Daehyun asked as he was pulling Yongguk into his apartment, barely stepping away from the hug as he did so. He broke away from Yongguk's arms when he shut and locked his door, when Yongguk began to speak, "I've actually been in Korea for about five hours. I went home and took a nap-- I know-- I know-- naps before Daehyun-- I'm the worst boyfriend ever."

"Uh, _yeah_ \-- why do you think I'm not dating you anymore?" Daehyun laughed. Yongguk shrugged-- a _yeah, I know_  type of shrug, and he smiled all the way into the kitchen as he followed Daehyun. Daehyun reached into his fridge and grabbed two water bottles, and then some left over noodles from the night before. He popped them into the microwave and sat down with Yongguk for a minute while they heated up, began to ask him questions. It turned out that the island he had been to was called Curaçao, located somewhere in the Caribbean. They spoke a variety of languages, one of the less common being English-- a language Yongguk could keep up with. He'd been learning large amounts of Dutch while he was there-- interesting, Daehyun thought, and very, very attractive when Yongguk taught him a word or two-- like _Hello_  and _I love you_. The microwave beeped when Daehyun was halfway through saying _I love you_  in a foreign tongue, and his voice faded into a slight distance as he moved to get the noodles, as well as a set of chop sticks. He handed both over to Yongguk, who laughed and, after complimenting Daehyun's pronunciation, said "You know me well," and then thanked him and began to dig in. Daehyun did know him well-- well enough to know he wouldn't have eaten before falling asleep, and he would have recounted any restaurant trips before he came to Daehyun, therefore leaving his stomach empty. He also knew he could make the assumption that Yongguk must have missed Korean food-- all the new foods he started to talk about were so much different than typical Korean cuisines. Daehyun's cooking couldn't be compared to traditional foods, but it was good enough for Yongguk.

"What have you been doing?" Yongguk wondered-- as if Daehyun would actually have something interesting to tell him. His expression assumed enough: the half-smile, the raise of his eyebrows, the curiosity of his eyes, the anticipation. Daehyun parted his lips for a moment and then shrugged, "Studying?"

"Did you study with someone?" Yongguk asked. Daehyun raised an eyebrow, curious why that question would have come up. Yongguk sensed the confusion and tried to explain himself, "I-- I mean, I just wondered, maybe-- maybe if you studied with someone or--or--met someone, or-- I-- I met-- I mean-- someone-- I met someone."

"You met someone?" Daehyun asked, wondering if he'd actually heard that right, or if perhaps Yongguk had fumbled a little too much and spat out the wrong thing. Yongguk gulped, which was enough to answer Daehyun's question, but then he nodded to completely confirm the assumption. Daehyun's heart didn't do any weird flips like he thought, briefly, it might. A smile even appeared at the corner of his lips. He was flooded with happiness, excitement. He asked, "Who? Does he live back in Curaçao?"

Yongguk seemed hesitant to answer. He looked confused. Daehyun wasn't about to pretend he didn't know why, but he wasn't about to bring it up, either, so he kept quiet and waited for Yongguk to answer. Eventually, Yongguk stopped hesitating, "I-- no, actually, he's in my class.... We spent most of the trip together."

"Do I get to meet him soon?" Daehyun asked. Again, that looked crossed Yongguk's face, and he asked, "Do you want to?" in a voice that doubted Daehyun would really want to. Daehyun quirked a scarred eyebrow for a moment, let it fall a second later, "Is there a reason I shouldn't?" and found a string of questions following the answer. Daehyun and Yongguk always did that to themselves and to each other-- cryptic questions with no right answer that led to something so close to arguing. Daehyun just wanted to know "Do I get to meet him?" and Yongguk just wanted to know "Do you really want to?" but neither of them could answer their respective questions.

"Just--" Daehyun held his hands up when the questions became too much. He started to laugh a little bit to ease the tension; he found no point in arguing with a best friend. With a lover, maybe, but Yongguk wasn't that anymore-- was never that-- but-- but-- "Tell me about him."

"You want me to--?"

" _Tell me about him_ , hyung." Daehyun said, and Yongguk stopped with his questions-- finally, he began to tell Daehyun about Choi Junhong, a kid-- yes, really a _kid_ , barely nineteen but advanced enough to be in the same class as Yongguk-- who really loved to dance but didn't look like a dancer because he was _super_ tall. He wore black and red a lot but he had blonde hair with pink at the ends. He was cute and his voice was high and he really admired Yongguk; and to that, Yongguk was shocked, because _he_ really admired _Junhong_.

"He sounds amazing." Daehyun smiled. He folded his fingers together, "Have you asked him on a date yet?"

"I-I-- no." Yongguk admitted. Daehyun frowned, disappointed. He asked, "Why not?" and Yongguk's answer upset him-- "Because I... wanted to talk to you first."

"Talk to me first? Am I your _father_ \-- why did you want to talk to me before you asked him out?" Daehyun felt like he might be a little too harsh in his words, but he didn't care enough to tone down his anger, and he didn't give Yongguk a chance to speak, either, "You clearly really like him, hyung-- ask him out. Really. I'll be mad if you don't."

"I--" Yongguk started, but then he stopped. He looked into Daehyun's eyes for a lingering moment and then he shrugged, "I-- okay. Okay, I will," and he sat up a little straighter, and he had this confidence about him that Daehyun hadn't seen since the two of them graduated high school. Daehyun smiled, proud, and told him "I'd better meet him soon--" and Yongguk smiled, and laughed, and then Junhong as a topic was gone, and they were back to talking as they normally did-- with no end in sight.


	3. just

Daehyun gently hummed to himself as he spun his straw around in his iced tea. Peach tea, specifically, perhaps the best Daehyun had ever had. It tasted so much sweeter after not having it for an extended period of time. With random tests and a lot of studying to be done, Daehyun hadn't had time to go out. He didn't have much time then, either. He had taken his notes with him to the tea shop, readily cramming for the test he had on Monday, but he needed to take the time to stop by the shop. He needed a minute outside; he needed a second to breathe. He needed to get Yongguk used to Korean life again-- Korean tea and Korean words. He needed to spend more time with Yongguk. He needed to get Yongguk outside. He needed this.

Daehyun glanced up with the intention of looking around for Yongguk, but his eyes landed on the round table just in front of the booth he had settled in. Daehyun suddenly remembered someone, a girl. She must have been around Daehyun's age, perhaps a little younger, or older-- Daehyun wasn't very good at telling age. She would always be in the shop when Daehyun was, and she always had a dark purple tea that Daehyun had never been able to find, even after going through everything on the shop's menu. She had a new book every week and a new pair of graded glasses every other month. She would look up and wave at Daehyun, would smile. They would never physically speak to each other, but Daehyun once gestured to her book and whispered _What are you reading?_ , in such a way that she would have to read his lips to understand. She held up the book, pointed to the title, and gave a thumbs-up. The next week, it was a pout and a tear, and then a question of _What are you writing?_  Daehyun held up his notebook, the page titled _History Notes_. He pouted; she pouted back.

One day, she stopped showing up. Daehyun had been working up the courage to talk to her, just to talk to her. She was friendly and Daehyun really wanted a new friend, but she just stopped coming.

Daehyun wondered what happened to her, sometimes.

"Are you Daehyun?" a shadow passed Daehyun and fell onto the table, and Daehyun looked up, squinting a little past the sudden light after opening his eyes to look at a tall man beside him. Daehyun didn't recognize him except for some descriptions he'd heard-- tall, blonde hair with pink ends. Choi Junhong.

"Yes. Please, sit." Daehyun gestured across the table, and Junhong smiled, "Thanks," and slid into the seat. His shoulders were a little tense, and he was clearly a little nervous, a little awkward. He was a little bit late-- date set for 11:00 but clock reading 11:14. Yongguk was even later. Daehyun almost pulled out his phone to text him _where are you?_ but he figured, instead of rushing Yongguk, he could take the time he and Junhong had alone to get to know him. So, he reached across the table, and he shook Junhong's hand, and he said, "I'm Jung Daehyun-- I think Yongguk must have told you already. But it's nice to meet you."

"You, too, hyung-- is it okay if I call you that? Yongguk-hyung already told me you're older." Junhong said. Daehyun nodded, "Perfect.

"Are things going okay? With you and Yongguk, I mean-- not to intrude or anything, but... well, I'm kind of curious." Daehyun didn't mean to sound like a creep, but Yongguk was the only thing he knew him and Junhong had in common, so why not start up a conversation about him? Junhong nodded happily, "Things are going good-- Yongguk-hyung is really great. I mean, we haven't been on many dates or known each other long, but it's... good."

Daehyun nodded. He spun his straw around in his iced tea, "Does he still pull out chairs too far? I remembered on our first date-- his first date ever-- he pulled out the chair a little too far and--" Daehyun stopped himself when he realized what he was saying. He looked up at Junhong, who looked shocked. He stuttered, "I-- I'm sorry, I didn't mean to--"

"You dated Yongguk-hyung before?" Junhong asked. He didn't look particularly angry but he _did_  look particularly shocked, and Daehyun gulped, "I-I mean-- yes, I did, but-- I mean, we never really _dated_ , it was just... a best friend thing. We were there for each other. I'm sorry-- don't worry, we were _made_  to be friends-- like, just friends."

Junhong nodded slowly. Yongguk chose a beautiful time to walk in-- right then, right there, and Junhong smiled and stood and wrapped his arms around Yongguk and kissed his cheek and Daehyun looked away from all the affection and tried to wipe the awkward nerves off of his face and out of his attitude, but Yongguk caught them for a second and he paused his smile as he was greeting Junhong and Daehyun and he wondered "Are you okay?" in such a way that Daehyun would have to read his lips to understand, and Daehyun nodded and said "Hi, hyung," out loud so that Yongguk might just let it be. He did-- "Hi, Daehyun."

Yongguk and Junhong started to sit down, with Yongguk letting Junhong slide in first. Yongguk slid his arm over Junhong's shoulder as he slid into his spot and Daehyun glanced away but told himself not to be awkward, and he smiled at the two of them as Yongguk wondered, "You two have gotten to know each other a bit, I hope?" and Junhong looked at Daehyun and Daehyun looked at Junhong and Junhong smiled first and Daehyun smiled second and Yongguk smiled third; and Junhong turned to Yongguk and told him "We have-- hyung is really interesting--" and Daehyun just smiled and smiled.


	4. a

Daehyun couldn't see. It was too dark, but he could hear. He heard scratching. It was coming for every direction-- surrounding him, closing in on him. He heard tapping. He heard footsteps. He heard too much all at once and he just wanted to be alone. His hair stood on its ends; his senses heightened and every single one was defined by fear. He whirled around, looking for something that would tell him what was going on-- something that may tell him he was safe-- something that may get him the hell out of the darkness.

He found this something when Bang Yongguk walked into his apartment at three in the morning.

Yongguk had a key-- typical best friend device. He unlocked Daehyun's door and walked in, carefully shutting the door and adding onto the amount of random sounds-- especially footsteps-- that Daehyun heard in his nightmare. Daehyun had fallen asleep on the couch in the midst of studying and being stressed out. His coffee didn't work, and what was left of it had gone cold on the table. Yongguk reached for Daehyun, his deep voice calling "Daehyun!" and Daehyun woke in a gentle panic, his eyes wet with tears. He breathed out and rubbed his eyes; Yongguk got to his knees and reached for Daehyun and asked "What's wrong?"

"What-- what are you doing here?" Daehyun asked before answering. Yongguk's actions lined with Daehyun's question-- arm around him, pulling him in for a hug. Yongguk didn't answer him for a moment, and then "I wanted to ask you what happened earlier--but now my worry's shifted."

"Earlier? What-- what happened earlier?" Daehyun asked, pulling away from the hug to-- first, rub his eyes, and then look at Yongguk. Yongguk hesitated like he was going to say something Daehyun didn't like. Daehyun could tell. He was too, too quiet and he was _searching_  Daehyun's eyes, as if he would find anything other than curiosity. Perhaps if he had found something more, he wouldn't have said "Well, you seemed so awkward with Junhong before I showed up."

"What? Of course I was, he's a new person--" Daehyun started to sit up, letting out a short, incredulous sigh as he did, "What is with you and talking about Junhong all the time? I mean-- I get it, and I like the kid, but you bring him up at the strangest times."

"I'm sorry. It's not important now--" Yongguk started, but Daehyun cut him off, "Yes it is. Obviously, it is-- why the hell else would you come over at _three in the morning_ to talk to me about it?"

"I... maybe just wanted to see you-- on top of the, um, worry." Yongguk said. He moved from his knees to the couch, pointing his knees toward Daehyun and placing his hand on the couch-- near the hip farthest from him-- Daehyun's right hip, which meant he was leaning in and their torsos were overlapping and his head was hooked right over Daehyun's shoulder. Daehyun turned his head away, but not for long, "I'm glad I came over, anyway. You had another nightmare-- tell me."

"It's three in the morning--" Daehyun tried, turning a bit to at least look at Yongguk through his peripheral. Yongguk didn't allow him to get any farther, "And you're not going to get back to sleep because you always have insomnia when you have nightmares-- and these nightmares are on a schedule, so either you're just now starting your-- what?-- two weeks of insomnia?-- or you've _been_  having nightmares for a number of nights and you haven't told me-- which also means suffering alone because you're bottling up the fear that comes with these nightmares and we both know that's not a good thing."

"You got me." Daehyun muttered. Yongguk frowned, "How many nights?" and Daehyun answered easy, "This is only the second--" to which he recieved a laugh, "No wonder you looked so damn tired yesterday. Alright--" and Yongguk pulled away, legs on the couch, crossed and facing Daehyun, leaving enough room between him and Daehyun for Daehyun to mirror his position. Their knees would be touching-- perhaps their hands, too, if Daehyun decided to fully mirror Yongguk and put his hands on his knees, too.

"Come here. Tell me."

So, Daehyun mirrored Yongguk completely, and their right hands ended up tangled together and Daehyun recounted every bit of the nightmare-- from tonight, and from the last. He talked about how he actually managed to fall asleep for a couple minutes after his previous nightmare, but then he woke with the worst terror he'd ever experienced in his life. Yongguk squeezed his fingers and asked why the hell he didn't call, and Daehyun answered that he thought Yongguk might be spending the night with Junhong, to which Yongguk said "No, I wasn't-- idiot, you should _always_  call me," and Daehyun remembered the terror clearly enough to promise that absolutely, he would call Yongguk next time, no matter what.

"Speaking of Junhong," Daehyun cleared his throat, finding himself at ease enough to admit that "The reason I was so awkward with him yesterday was-- um-- because I-I accidentally let it slip that you and I dated--" except he couldn't because he only got through saying "The reason I was so awkward with him--" before Yongguk cut him off, "I told you--not important. I'm more concerned with you and your nightmares," and Daehyun, despite _his_  strict concern with the fact that Yongguk was at his apartment at _three_ (going on four) _in the morning_  for that one little slip of awkwardness with Junhong, let the fact go.

"And since we both know that you're not going to get back to sleep and that I'm going to stay up all night with you--" to which Daehyun wanted to protest but knew he would't succeed in doing so; so he let Yongguk stand and stretch and start toward the kitchen, "I say you get back to your notes while I make us coffee--" and his voice faded and faded until he stopped and peeked through the small window in the kitchen-- the kind of window that had no glass and would be a squared archway should it reach the floor-- and steadied at a constant volume, "And then I will help you study and you're going to do great on your test tomorrow."

"You're the best," Daehyun said softly, with a tiny smile as he reached for his notes without looking. He only looked when Yongguk disappeared away from the window, and he only focused when Yongguk came back with two cups of hot coffee, pushing away the cold cup that Daehyun hadn't finished.


	5. word

From abnormal psychology to applied statistics, Daehyun's morning was stressful and tiring-- and his lunch break was _not_  helping him through it. He planned on skipping lunch in favor of sleeping against the table instead, but, of course, this fated day would be the one in which he saw Choi Junhong and found himself unable to say no to a chance at getting closer to him. Any friend or boyfriend or girlfriend of a friend was sure to be Daehyun's friend, too. Daehyun would never let himself get lazy in the friend-making process.

"You seem really tired, hyung." Junhong pointed out, taking a bite of his sandwich. Daehyun nodded silently. No, he would not miss a chance at talking to Junhong--but he also would not force himself out of his tired comfort zone to make himself excited on a stressful day. Instead, he allowed his voice to be quiet and mellow, allowed his gestures to be lazy as he pointed toward Junhong's sandwich, "You don't like lettuce?"

"Hate it," Junhong said. Daehyun nodded, blinking his eyes slowly. Daehyun knew the sandwich Junhong had for having a lot of lettuce-- often called the Lettuce Sandwich instead of what it was, a ham sandwich. The cook had a thing for pairing ham with way too much lettuce-- strange, but understandable, Daehyun thought, because ham was disgusting.

"I don't really like anything green, honestly." Junhong said, carefully picking a thick tomato off of his sandwich. He left the other tomato on; it was thin. "I don't like cucumbers or broccoli-- celery or pickles-- lettuce or, really, any other vegetable. I'm more of a fruits kind of guy."

"I love salad." Daehyun muttered, leaning against his hand. He stared at Junhong's plate; he had an apple, a small piece of chocolate cake, a milk, and an energy drink. Daehyun eyed the energy drink a little too long; Junhong picked it up and held it out for him. Daehyun lifted his eyes to Junhong's face, lifted his cheek away from his palm. Junhong was smiling at him, "You can have it, hyung. I think you need it more than I do."

"I-- thank you." Daehyun said, taking the energy drink. He supposed he could have had more manners in front of Junhong, especially after his sweet offer. He could have refrained from gulping half of the drink down in one go; he could have gone without spilling some of it on his cheek, but it seemed to amuse Junhong-- in a good way. He said, "I've never seen someone drink an energy drink so fast, hyung," and he said it with a smile and a gleam in his eye, like he was a kid and Daehyun was an older kid that had just done a really cool bike trick.

"I have. You don't know quick until you see a student chug one of these before a physics exam." Daehyun said, and proceeded to gulp down the rest of the energy drink. In the meantime, Junhong laughed; and then, "Do you know where Yongguk-hyung is? He hasn't replied to my texts-- he usually eats lunch down here, doesn't he?"

 _He always does_. "Yeah."

"You don't know where he is?" _I do, actually; he's upstairs, camping in the abandoned, unlocked classroom three doors down, on the left. He's curled up in the third row, five desks from the front. He's got his backpack beneath his head, and he's probably listening to music. He's catching up on some much-needed sleep because he spent all night being an insomniac with me. He's not going to eat lunch. He's going to come over to my place later and eat dinner with me, and fall asleep with me until another nightmare wakes us both_. "No."

Junhong looked like he might have said something else, but Choi Youngjae chose that moment to slide into the seat next to Daehyun, to throw his arms around his best friend. Daehyun lazily introduced Junhong and Youngjae to one another-- referred to Youngjae as "my best friend" and to Junhong as "my new friend;" and he briefly explained to Junhong that he and Youngjae had been friends since their second year of high school and briefly explained to Youngjae that Junhong and Yongguk were dating.

"You and Yongguk-hyung are dating?" Youngjae asked-- and it was a question to Junhong but he eyed Daehyun three times in the span of the sentence. Junhong nodded, and he started to eye Daehyun, too, and then Youngjae and he was curious and confused-- curious and confused because Youngjae looked so concerned and had started to act so awkward. Daehyun wanted to explain to Youngjae, again, that he was over Yongguk and he didn't need this kind of coddling-- especially when Yongguk was already treating him like a child-- but also like he was supposed to make all of Yongguk's decisions because his opinions and feelings mattered a little too much in Yongguk's life; particularly, his _love life_. Daehyun couldn't be the one to call all the shots. He couldn't say "No you can't date him," because it wasn't his damn place because he was nothing more than a best friend. Never should he had to tell Yongguk "Yes, you can date him" or "No, you can't date him," because it would _never_  be up to him. If they were still together, he could scream at Yongguk, wonder "Why the hell do you want to date someone else?" but Yongguk seemed to be forgetting one very important fact: they broke up a long time ago.

Daehyun ignored Youngjae's concern and Junhong's confusion and favored putting his head down, arms tucked beneath his forehead. He wished he could teleport upstairs, wished he could join Yongguk in his napping paradise.

 

 

"Junhong told me you two spent lunch together," Yongguk commented over dinner-- spaghetti without the meatballs-- only red sauce and plain, toasted bread. It was one of Yongguk's favorites, one that Daehyun had learned to tolerate over the years, especially within the two weeks that nightmares haunted his brain and he felt lucky to even keep his mind pieced together. Daehyun shrugged. Yongguk seemed quite energized; and Daehyun had felt that way after lunch, too, but a nap is much better than an energy drink, and that showed in the polar opposites over the dinner table.

"Let's go to sleep-- we should try to rest as much as possible--" Yongguk started up, his plate in his hand. Daehyun shook his head, "No. Sit down-- eat--" but Yongguk wasn't listening to him, was grabbing a container from the cabinet and pouring his dinner inside-- bread excluded, "I can eat this later, after your nightmare has passed and I've gotten to calm your terror," and he scooped up Daehyun's dinner and put it into a separate container. Into the fridge they went, and off to bed Daehyun and Yongguk went. Yongguk kept a toothbrush in Daehyun's bathroom, and he used it to clean his teeth as Daehyun cleaned his. Daehyun looked into the mirror, saw Yongguk's absent-minded eyes wandering around Daehyun's bathroom like he wasn't already completely familiar with it. He remembered them brushing their teeth together years ago, in which Yongguk's hips were against Daehyun's and his hand was at Daehyun's waist, and they would smile goofily at each other through the mirror.

"You alright?" Yongguk voice brought him back into a reality in which everything seemed to be tinted with grey, in which Daehyun looked older and much more worn, in which Yongguk still glowed but he glowed for someone new. Daehyun nodded; he spat the foamy mint from his mouth and rinsed it with water. Yongguk's hand found Daehyun's hip and Daehyun had to close his eyes; he had to take a second to breathe because he couldn't do this; he couldn't let his tired, hazy mind live in the past. He pushed Yongguk away and said "Let's just-- sleep--" and he made his way to his bedroom, with Yongguk following quickly, trying to keep up with Daehyun's rushed steps.

"Wait-- hey-- what's going on? Are you okay?" Yongguk asked. He had latched onto Daehyun's shoulders; he had spun him around and was trying to look him in the eyes, but it was dark and they could hardly see the outlines of one another, much less each other's eyes. Daehyun pushed him away, started to climb backwards onto his bed as he said "Yes-- yeah-- I'm _fine_ , I'm just-- I'm _exhausted_ \--" and Yongguk followed, "Hey. Hey, I know, but you're not usually like this. What's up?"

"What's up? What's _up_  is the fact that I had three exams today and my nightmares chose the busiest couple weeks of my life to make an appearance and I-- really-- _really_ don't know how long I can go on like this--" and Yongguk was right, he usually wasn't this emotional. As a matter of fact, he never was. Yongguk held him through it-- a distant touch of hands on Daehyun's arms, "Hey. Hey, I know. I know-- but that's why you're working so hard, remember? You want to know why this happens. You want to study it; you want to find a cure. You want to study the tortured psychology of people just like you-- and, one day, you won't suffer anymore."

"Yeah." Daehyun agreed slowly. He breathed in, out, "Yeah, you're right."

"Of course I am. I always am." Yongguk smiled. Daehyun would have hit him if he could find him in the dark. Yongguk found him instead; he guided Daehyun to lay down and slid an arm around Daehyun's waist. Daehyun almost told him _don't do that_ \-- don't do it because Daehyun's heart was doing weird things and he was sleepy and his damn tired mind was tricking him into thinking he still loved Bang Yongguk. His mind, however, was too tired to follow through with the protest. His mind forced him to sleep-- to sleep for some hours and be terrified of the nightmares as he tried to rest peacefully.

  
Scratching. It surrounded him. He heard it. He felt it--he could _taste it_  this time. It tasted like blood and bile-- like the scratching was coming from within. He felt the pain, this time. Instead of lonesome fear, he felt pain--so much searing, blinding pain-- and he already couldn't see. Daehyun clawed at his own throat-- the scratching from within meeting the scratching from himself. He felt it, the blood. It soaked his fingers and stained his skin; he pulled his fingers back from his throat and found he couldn't breathe-- from the shock and the torn throat. He saw a glimpse of scissors, or knives, or something sharp poking out from his neck, just in his lower peripheral, and he tried to scream but failed. He started to cry, but it was so silent. He couldn't sob; he had no throat left. He could only stand in horror and terror and watch the knives come out-- slowly, slowly, slowly.

Daehyun felt a scratch against his shoulders and abruptly woke up, pushing the figure away. Bang Yongguk went topping to the ground, a loud "oof!" sounding out as he hit the ground. Daehyun couldn't even be concerned with him; he curled up and closed his eyes, but not before briefly noticing his disheveled appearance-- blanket barely thrown over his calves, shirt hanging off of his shoulder. Nothing was ripped, but it was clear he'd had a _bad_  night-- in which Yongguk had to fight past his kicking and biting and screaming to save him from his terror.

"Daehyun," Yongguk gasped. He was tired-- clearly. He was worried and he reached for Daehyun right away, brought Daehyun to his chest so he could cry there instead of into his own knees. Daehyun clung to Yongguk lazily, his body too tired for a proper hold. One hand was at Yongguk's ribs, gripping his shirt. The other was at his shoulder, also gripping his shirt, but catching a piece of skin, too, because his shirt was also fitted wrong-- must have been pulled by Daehyun's terrified, red hands.

"You're okay. You're okay," Yongguk started to rock Daehyun softly-- and Daehyun's damn heart did that weird skip-a-beat thing and Daehyun moved away, stuttered out "Y-yeah. I am," and Yongguk frowned. When he tried to reach for Daehyun again, Daehyun ducked out of his touch.

"What's wrong?" Yongguk asked, finding Daehyun's hand and gripping hard enough that Daehyun couldn't slip away. Daehyun told him to "Let me go," but Yongguk wasn't going to give up until he got an answer, "What's going on? Was the nightmare that bad-- you always let me hold you."

"I'm-- I'm fine, I don't need you to--" Daehyun pulled his hand away. Yongguk squinted-- squinted through the dark and worried and wondered, "Dae, you're never like this. Should-- should we go see your doctor? You're acting really strange-- I'm worried something might have snapped in your head."

"Snapped in my head," Daehyun repeated, but he added a scoff to the mix of words. He looked at Yongguk, "Really? You're scared something _snapped in my head_ \-- I haven't slept in three days, Yongguk! You know what lack of sleep does to a person?"

"To a person that doesn't experience insomnia often, yes. But to _you_ , someone who's been going through this since they were eleven years old--?" Yongguk shook his head, "This isn't like you, Daehyun. You function pretty well even when you don't sleep much. Five hours of sleep in a week is-- actually an okay amount for you. Something else is happening and I think we should have it checked out."

"I--" Daehyun had to control himself. He couldn't go to his doctor-- he couldn't go and find out nothing else was wrong and then have to admit to Yongguk what he was feeling... or maybe he should. Maybe he should go to the doctor because his doctor would clear this all up, wouldn't he? He would tell Daehyun he had a rare case of Love-Your-Exes in which the sleepiness got to his head so bad that he started to love people he didn't love anymore.

But, "I'm okay," Daehyun promised, and he slipped out of bed and stretched his tired arms and, "Let's go to the-- you can eat, and I can-- I need some fresh air," and Daehyun started to walk out of his room, but Yongguk latched onto his arm, and he pulled Daehyun to his balcony and they stood out there, with the door shut and the night air surrounding them.

"Look at me," Yongguk said, and Daehyun did, and it was even worse because Daehyun could see him now. Yongguk stared at Daehyun for a long, long moment; and then, "Okay. I want you to promise me you're going to come upstairs at lunch tomorrow-- promise me you'll come nap with me, and I'll take you to lunch after school."

"--sounds like stuff you should do with your boyfriend." Daehyun laughed-- a bitter laugh through an unnecessary comment and he didn't look back at Yongguk's face to see what he was thinking, or feeling. The hesitation was enough to worry Daehyun into thinking he shouldn't have said that-- Yongguk was going to figure it out-- he was going to spiral through a mess of misunderstandings and trying to hold onto Yongguk's friendship because loving him seemed to chase him away--

"It does. But for now, I want to do those things with you." Yongguk said. (Daehyun wished he would have phrased that differently.)

"Okay," Daehyun agreed softly. He looked into Yongguk's eyes for a moment and snapped back into reality-- fresh air giving him a steady breath, and he said, "Let's go eat," and he said it with a smile and he disappeared back into his apartment before Yongguk could bring up another topic to discuss.


	6. made

Daehyun didn't bother stopping by the lunch room, didn't even bother walking past it. He went right upstairs instead; he found the room he knew Yongguk would be waiting for him in. He pushed open the door and found the empty desks had never looked so welcoming. His eyes moved to the third row, the fifth seat, and, sure enough, there was Bang Yongguk, sleepy but on his phone. He looked up when the door shut, and he smiled sleepily in Daehyun's direction.

"You look extra tired," Daehyun noticed when he got close, ready to slide into the desk next to Yongguk's-- second row instead of the third. Yongguk shrugged. He lay his head down, held his hand out. Daehyun took it as he sat down, didn't let go when he had settled. He placed his bag on his desk, same as Yongguk, and lay his head down, facing Yongguk. Silence hung around the two for some moments after, breaking nothing but their voices.

"I found out I'm going on another school trip." Yongguk muttered, breaking the third moment of silence. His eyes were already closed, and Daehyun half wondered if he was talking in his sleep, but Yongguk's habit was sleep _walking_ , not talking, and he only walked in his sleep when he was depressed.

"Where to?" Daehyun asked. Yongguk nodded, "Same place, Curaçao. We're going to study Dutch and English even more and explore the place. I don't even think it will really even be related to the class anymore."

"You and Junhong will have some time alone." Daehyun commented. Yongguk shook his head this time, "He's not going."

"Why?"

"He's going through things."

"Going through things.... Aren't we all?"

All of a sudden, Yongguk was gently shaking Daehyun awake because they'd both fallen asleep. He wasn't standing over Daehyun like Daehyun had expected, though. He was still against the desk, and he was shaking Daehyun's arm because they were still holding hands. Daehyun woke up; he rubbed his eyes with one hand and impatiently asked "What?" because he'd forgotten practically everything-- one of those naps where he woke up and didn't know what damn year he was in. Yongguk reminded him, "We have to go to class in five minutes," and Daehyun whined like a child and half-slammed his face back into his backpack.

"Up, sleepyhead." Yongguk said, squeezing Daehyun's finger one last time before pulling his hand away. Daehyun's hand felt clammy and sweaty and he groaned, wiping his hand on his jeans, "Holding hands with you is so gross."

Yongguk just chuckled in response.

"You still want to go to lunch with me after school?" Yongguk asked, sliding out of his desk and throwing his bag over his shoulders. Daehyun nodded lazily, closing his eyes again. Yongguk stood next to him-- stroked his hair and told him "Hey. We've got to go to class," and Daehyun stalled, stretching for as long as Yongguk would let him before he lifted Daehyun's head with both of his hands, "Up, Dae."

"I'm _tired_ ," Daehyun whined, but he said it with a smile so Yongguk knew he wasn't just acting childish-- he was joking around. Yongguk rubbed his back as Daehyun was finally getting up. He stretched again when he was on his feet, and he finally answered Yongguk question when he was settled, reaching for his bag, "Yes."

Yongguk had already forgotten the question, "What?"

And Daehyun reminded him, "Yes. I'd still like to go to lunch with you after school."

"Oh. Perfect," Yongguk smiled. He hooked his arm over Daehyun's shoulder and together they started toward the door, making it outside just as the bell rang. Before they parted ways, and before the halls got too cramped, Yongguk said "Bring some notes, okay? We'll study together," (as if Daehyun would just leave his bag at school).

"Okay."

 

Yongguk wasn't in such a good mood when he met Daehyun outside to take him to lunch. He looked even more tired than he had before his nap, or in the morning, when the two had to go to school. It was the kind of tired that indicated too much stress; Daehyun tugged at Yongguk's ear, gaining his attention, and asked, "What's up? Did you have a lot of tests today?"

"No. Junhong--" Yongguk stopped, shook his head. Relationship problems? Daehyun wondered. He hesitated to say it out loud but eventually he did, to which Yongguk shook his head, a smile playing at his lips, "No. God no, he's-- good-- he's _great_ , but... damn, he's going through a lot right now."

"Anything I could know?" Daehyun wondered. Yongguk shook his head. He was quiet like that for the rest of the walk, barely answering Daehyun's questions. Eventually, Daehyun stopped asking, and they didn't speak again until they were settled in a small booth at a restaurant, finding something on the menu to order-- something quick but filling so they could study over it, go home, take another nap, and then wake up, eat, go back to sleep, and wait for Daehyun's nightmare to tear them both awake so they could talk, and then study until school started the next morning.

"Could I ask a favor of you, while I'm gone?" Yongguk asked suddenly-- suddenly, when they had their drinks, had ordered their food, and were both waiting for the other to do or say something that would spiral into a conversation, hopefully light-hearted. Yongguk, however, was quite serious-- serious enough that Daehyun didn't make a joke about it, the way he was waiting to-- in order to push Yongguk's mood into something lighter. Clearly, Yongguk was still stressed; he was going to ask something that deserved a more serious answer than _"If you're going to ask me to clean the pigsty you live in, absolutely not,"_  because that's clearly not what Yongguk was going to ask. He wouldn't be so serious; he would have an awkward smile and he would be trying to look cute and Daehyun would fall for it anyway.

"Yes." Daehyun said easily-- no question about his answer, no chance that he was going to say no. Yongguk seemed nervous enough to ask (which was strange because he was never nervous to ask Daehyun anything). Daehyun wanted him to know, right away, that he would have the older man's back.

"Listen, Junhong--" Yongguk sighed, "I know you don't even know him that well, but he's going through some things and I-- I just need you to... keep an eye on him, while I'm gone? Please? He's-- okay-- he's getting kicked out of his apartment because he's at a loss for money and his family isn't helping him. I-- hell, I know this is weird, because you really don't know him well at all, but do you think you could just-- maybe take him out to lunch one day--? He's _starving_  and-- I'm not asking you to take care of my boyfriend--" and Daehyun stopped listening for a moment, because the word sent an odd pang through his heart and he needed a blocked moment to catch his breath again. He learned he hadn't missed much when he tuned back in "--need you to watch him a little bit while I'm gone. It's only two weeks-- actually, two weeks is a lot of time, but-- _please_. Don't let him die."

(That was a lot of information at once.) Daehyun couldn't think of anything to say except "He's having family issues?" while his mind processed all the information thrown at him. ("Family issues" had been the one thing that stuck out.)

"Yes-- which means he's kind of depressed on top of all this bullshit--" Yongguk sighed. Daehyun frowned, his mind catching another piece of the delayed information, "Wait-- he doesn't have anywhere to go?"

"No. I mean-- his friend is moving here in, like a week? Maybe a week and a half? It might take the full two weeks-- but until then, no. But it's fine-- he'll be fine-- he's strong and he'll be _okay_  but-- please, could you just feed him? Like, once? Make sure he's okay? I--" Yongguk was trying to ask the least he possibly could of Daehyun, which Daehyun found a little strange because he was majoring in psychology with plans to be a therapist or perhaps a social worker and his goal in life was to help people-- "Wait, hyung-- he can just stay with me."

"He-- what?" Yongguk asked, but there was already a little smile coming to his face so he _knew_ what he'd heard-- but he asked just so Daehyun had a moment to change his mind and maybe only feel a little guilty about it because at least he'd offered-- if he didn't hear it, _oh well_ , but Daehyun wasn't like that anymore. He was happy to help-- happy to smile slightly as he said "Junhong can stay with me."

"But-- are you sure? Dae, he has _no_  money--" Yongguk said, to which Daehyun shrugged, "I've got some saved. I mean-- I really can only help him for the couple weeks that you're gone but if his friend is coming in soon-- I'd be mad if he didn't come stay with me."

"You're so amazing--" Yongguk moved to the other side of the booth just so he could pull Daehyun into a hug. His voice was quieter when he said "This is why I love you," and perhaps he pulled away so quickly after that because he felt the awkward bump of Daehyun's heart. If that was the reason, he didn't say anything about it; he quietly slid back into his side of the booth, settled in front of his food, beaming across the table.


	7. up

Daehyun's wake from one of his last nightmares (for these couple weeks) was quite violent. It was the first night Junhong was staying with him; he was settled and a little emotional because Yongguk was going on a trip (Junhong would miss him) and he actually had somewhere to stay and somewhere else to go (Junhong was so grateful, felt so lucky). Daehyun had given Junhong his bed, letting him know that he almost always slept on the couch anyway-- which was not a lie. He liked to watch television as he fell asleep-- the one television he could afford was in his living room. He liked to study near the kitchen so he had easy access to food should he get hungry. He also wanted to have his last few nightmares alone, something he did not spill to Junhong.

Daehyun had the usual nightmare, with the usual little twist that would come. Scratching, but it wasn't from within his throat. It was all in his head, and he knew it this time. Still, he was scared. He hated the sound. It was traumatizing; it was a memory from his childhood that terrified him to this day. It was an event that left scars on his neck and his arms and a few on his face-- over his eyebrow, on his jawline, across his nose. They were scars that no one pointed out, and they all _ached_  as Daehyun heard the scratching-- scratch, scratch, scratch.

Daehyun was a little past terrified when Junhong came barreling into the room with a lamp screaming "Leave hyung's house!" He was only in his boxers and a baggy shirt, and he looked a little past ridiculous with the pink ends of his hair pointing this way and that. One last scream ripped through Daehyun's throat, and then everything settled a little bit after that. Junhong let his guard down, frowning as he looked around the room and realized no one else was there-- any noises he heard were not the cause of an intruder. Daehyun breathed heavily as his held his chest, sitting up slowly, curling in on himself. Junhong put the lamp down and slowly made his way to Daehyun. He settled on his knees and asked "Hyung? What's wrong?" and Daehyun shook his head, "No, it's-- it's nothing, I'm fine."

"Why were you screaming? Are you okay? Is someone here--? I can help you," Junhong had dropped his voice quite a bit on the last two sentence. Daehyun shook his head, "No. No one is here, I'm okay-- I promise. I just-- I have nightmares."

"Oh! Your nightmares-- Yongguk-hyung told me you had those sometimes. Can I help?" Junhong asked. He moved to sit on the couch next to Daehyun. His smiled was comforting; he was like a puppy, sitting there, waiting to lick at his owner's wounds. Daehyun looked at him for a moment, and he found a smile coming to his own face. How cute, Daehyun thought fondly, and he reached a fond hand into Junhong's hair and pet it softly, somehow fixing the messy strands instead of rustling them more, "I'm alright, Junhong. Thank you."

"You won't be able to sleep for the rest of the night, right? Yongguk-hyung told me you had insomnia after your nightmares." Junhong said. Daehyun had a slight discomfort with the fact that Yongguk had told Junhong so much, but Daehyun also knew the only reason Yongguk did so was to help Daehyun-- to leave him with someone that would help him through his troubles. It was a sweet gesture, actually, and Daehyun stopped feeling uncomfortable after a minute.

"I don't know if I can make myself stay awake all night, but we can tell each other stories." Junhong said. _What a way to get to know someone_ \-- Daehyun nodded. Junhong blinked once, twice, and then he said, "Okay. I'll go first!

"When I found out I was getting kicked out of my apartment, Yongguk-hyung offered his apartment, even though he wouldn't be there. But... I'm so short on money that I couldn't afford to be over there. I can't even afford food, so-- he lives so far from the school, I couldn't possibly afford to bus it there, and I couldn't walk that far without food in my system-- and I absolutely could not miss school for these two weeks because I'm on a scholarship and I _really_  can't afford to miss my classes. So I told him no, I'm okay, I'll just stay on the streets for a couple of weeks-- it'll be fine. He gave me a key anyway, and he told me to go there if I feel helpless-- he'll stock up on food that will be good for two weeks and he even gave me some money for the bus. He couldn't give me money for the entire two weeks, but he gave me some for at least three days-- which I can give to you now! Because you're helping me and I don't want you to waste too much money on me."

"No-- no, don't worry about it-- keep it." Daehyun smiled. Junhong smiled right back, and then he pointed to one of the scars on Daehyun's arm and asked, quietly, "Is this why you have nightmares?"

It was the first time anyone had brought up the scars before Daehyun flat-out told them. Daehyun held his arm up and revealed others, looked at them and wondered if he should tell the story. He remembered being even more terrified recounting the story the first time, but then he remembered his nigtmares being cut short that week. He remembered when Yongguk would force him to tell it; he would sit there and tell Daehyun to "Tell me. Tell me every detail, Daehyun. I know that I know the story-- I want to hear it again," and Daehyun would have to tell him.

"When I was younger," Daehyun started slowly, staring at the scars on his arm instead of looking Junhong in the eye. He could hear the scratching again-- scratch, scratch, scratch. He heard the growling, the anger. Daehyun gulped heavily, "I, um, ran into this dog at the park."

Daehyun was ten years old. He was in the park by himself, waiting for his mother to pick him up because his friends had already left. He was running around by himself, being happy by himself. He was one of the few kids that didn't mind being alone. He was adventurous; he saw a stray dog walking down the street, slow and mean, but only looked at the "little pup" as a new friend to play with. He approached it. He held out his hand and it sniffed him, and it let him pet it for a while until Daehyun got curious at its torn ear and gently rubbed it. The dog barked at him, snapped at him, started to bite in his direction. Daehyun panicked, and he ran, and the dog chased him. It would catch up to him soon-- way too soon, and Daehyun had nowhere to go except for the sandbox. The sandbox was beneath the "castle," as the kids liked to call it. It was just a little house with a slide attached. It guarded the sandbox with four wooden pieces that extended from its base, only one of which swung open. Daehyun practically dove into the sand-- the wet sand. Wild animals loved to crawl in there all the time, do their business in there. It smelled awful in there. Daehyun slammed the one wooden piece shut and held it with his feet. He covered his mouth and his nose with his hands-- his hands, which had some sand stuck to them. The dog attacked the door. It scratched and scratched and scratched. It barked and snarled and it wanted to hurt Daehyun; it wanted to hurt Daehyun because it believed Daehyun wanted to hurt him.

Daehyun's mother didn't show up in time to chase the dog away. The dog broke through the door-- sent splinters of wood everywhere. It dragged Daehyun out by his ankle; he had _awful_  scars down there. It attacked his face and neck but his arms seconds later, when Daehyun blocked him. Daehyun screamed and kicked and cried and was only saved a minute later by some adults walking down the street, who managed to throw their water bottles and hit the dog with their umbrellas until it was chased away-- but the damage was done, and Daehyun was scarred, but at least he wasn't dead.

"That's really scary, hyung. I'm sorry that happened." Junhong said. His hand reached out for a second but stopped suddenly, hesitant to wipe away Daehyun's tears. Daehyun told him "It's fine. I'm fine," and he was wiping his own tears already but Junhong gave him a hand to help.

"No one asks about these," Daehyun said, tapping the scars. Junhong looked guilty, but Daehyun didn't let him feel that way for long, "I think they're just-- scared, you know? Like, they don't really want to know the story-- like, maybe it would be too brutal for them. I have a few too many scars in one place."

"I-I only saw the one," Junhong said, and he traced the one he was talking about. "I think I would have been scared, too, but not because I wouldn't want to know. I'd be scared it was too personal-- too... traumatizing. I wouldn't want to trigger anything. I'm sorry I ended up triggering something anyway."

"No. It's fine. Actually, it helps-- to talk about it. The nightmares stop quicker if I talk about it." Daehyun said. He stretched his arms out in front of him, closed his eyes and sighed. He stood, and he started toward the kitchen, with a wonder thrown Junhong's way-- "Do you want anything? Coffee? Food?" and Junhong softly said "I am a little hungry, hyung," and Daehyun smiled at his hesitation, his shyness, as if Daehyun would mind that Junhong wanted something to eat. All he had were leftovers, really, but he heated them up while he was making his coffee, and he brought the hot cup and the hot bowl out to the living room for him and Junhong to enjoy.

(Junhong fell asleep again at four in the morning, which Daehyun didn't mind. When he was asleep, Daehyun called Yongguk-- because Yongguk made him promise to call. They talked for an hour until Yongguk had to go-- "I'm so sorry-- we're going somewhere--" but Daehyun told him it's okay, Junhong is right here, I'm not scared, I'm fine, and Yongguk fussed about "Call me later, okay? Whenever you have a break-- whatever time. Call me," and Daehyun wondered "Do you want me to tell the same thing to your boyfriend?" and Yongguk was quiet for a minute, and then "Yeah," and he hung up and Daehyun was left on his own for the rest of the night.)


	8. by

"Jongup is moving into the apartment tomorrow, hyung!" Junhong wasn't talking to Daehyun, but Daehyun overheard him anyway. He had just returned to his house after his last class-- his last class, which ended an hour later than Junhong's last class. Junhong hadn't noticed Daehyun walk in; he was looking at his phone, at Bang Yongguk on the other line. Yongguk looked tired-- it must have been late there. Daehyun quietly shut the door as to not interrupt their conversation. He heard a couple words that Yongguk said, "Daehyun-- help-- move?" and Junhong shook his head, replied with "I didn't tell him. He's done too much for me-- I don't want him to have to help me move all of my stuff _again_."

"Too bad." Daehyun said, scaring the daylights out of Junhong. He nearly dropped his phone as his body jolted away from Daehyun, who had snuck up behind Junhong (and tugged his ear once) after hearing him spill that nonsense about _he's done too much for me_. Daehyun had really fallen for Junhong's charm the past week-- and a half. Junhong had officially been staying with him for eleven days. Junhong was cute-- he laughed at everything Daehyun said (unless it was serious), and he overreacted to a lot of things. He held his chest, right over his heart, and breathed too heavy and said "Hyung! You almost gave me a heart attack!" but his overreactions were never annoying, and they brought laughter to Daehyun's lips.

"Good. You really weren't going to let me help you move? Idiot," Daehyun muttered the last word, ruffling Junhong's hair. Junhong's bottom lip jutted out, and his eyebrow furrowed a bit, "But you've been helping me too much, hyung, and I haven't even gotten to pay you back yet! I don't get paid until the end of the week."

"And you can keep all that money to yourself because I don't need it." Daehyun said. He let his hand slip from Junhong's hair, glanced to Junhong's phone for a second. Yongguk was smiling, red cheeks coming down from the laughter that must have come from Daehyun's sudden appearance. He was simply observing the two, clearly happy that they were getting along.

"But hyung," Junhong said, "I ate too much of your food and I took really long showers every day and that's a lot of money."

"I don't care." Daehyun said. He stood and he started to walk into the kitchen, stretching out his tired arms, "Don't forget you helped me through _three_  nightmares, and you made them end quicker, and you cleaned my entire apartment every other day and you're my friend now, Junhong, you don't need to pay me back for the things I do for you."

"Friend, hyung?" Junhong asked. Daehyun peeked through the glassless window to see Junhong smiling at him. Daehyun nodded, "Friend," and he disappeared into the kitchen again and wondered "Are you hungry now, Junhong?" and Junhong said "No," and Daehyun tssk'ed, "I don't believe you," and Junhong sighed, "Okay, yes, hyung, I'm a little hungry," and Daehyun started cooking for two.

"What time is Jongup going to be here tomorrow?" Daehyun called, waiting for a quiet moment to say anything. Junhong had gone back to talking to Yongguk while Daehyun cooked, but there seemed to be a pause in the conversation. Daehyun went to the window to hear Junhong better, looked at him and kind of wondered how Junhong was planning on sneaking all of his stuff past Daehyun in the first place. He must have known Daehyun wasn't just going to sit around and listen to him when Junhong said "Jongup and I will move my stuff, hyung, don't worry."

"Around noon, I think." Junhong said. He stretched, lifting Yongguk into the air and allowing Daehyun to see him for a moment. Yongguk looked really, really tired, but he still had a smile and he waved at Daehyun as Junhong stretched. Daehyun waved back, and then Junhong was dropping his relaxed arms and he was looking at Daehyun, "I'm skipping one of my classes, hyung."

It occurred to Daehyun that _tomorrow_  was Friday, not today. Daehyun shrugged, "I'll do the same," and he disappeared back into the kitchen. Junhong told him "You don't have to, hyung-- your classes are important," and Daehyun had finished dishing out the noodles into two bowls, and he carried them into the living room with chop sticks and a laugh about his lips, "Astronomy is overrated."

Daehyun sat down next to Junhong, placing the hot bowl-- with a towel tucked beneath it do that it didn't burn him or Junhong-- on the younger's lap. He handed him a pair of chop sticks; Junhong held his arm out so Yongguk could see them both.

"Your nightmares are over for now, Dae?" Yongguk asked, to which Daehyun nodded, "For now."

"Good." Yongguk smiled gently. He glanced to the side and said, "It's getting really late-- I'm going to go to sleep, okay? Bye, Dae. I love you, babe."

"I love you, too." Junhong said, blowing a kiss toward the screen. Daehyun just smiled and waved and bit his tongue, because he'd almost said something, too.

 

Daehyun only met Jongup briefly when he came over to help Junhong move. Their conversation made Daehyun feel a little awkward; Jongup started by greeting him, frowning, and asking, "Are you Yongguk?"

Daehyun just found it a little odd that (1) Junhong hadn't told Jongup who he was (or perhaps Jongup hadn't listened, or paid him any attention) and (2) that Jongup was looking at him like that. It wasn't often that he felt so awkward around people, but he couldn't even bring himself to speak after that, shaking his head slowly, replacing any words that could have come to his mind.

"Sorry. It's just-- Junhong has been talking about him so much, it's weird I haven't met him yet." Jongup said. He smiled after that, "I'm Jongup, by the way. What's your name?"

"Daehyun," he said shortly-- but only because he was finding it difficult to speak, not because of any anger. He understood Jongup's confusion; and, in fact, found himself quite confused. Junhong and Yongguk had been together for... however long; Daehyun hadn't exactly been counting the days. It wasn't extremely long, but it was long enough for introduction to friends-- especially if they were already at the point of saying _I love you_. (That had bothered Daehyun, last night. He still hadn't pieced together why.)

"It's nice to meet you." Jongup said, and that was the end of it. They hardly spoke after that-- except for a quick apology when they bumped into each other as Daehyun was entering his apartment and Jongup was exiting, and then saying goodbye as Junhong and Jongup parted-- but even then, Daehyun's wave and "Goodbye!" was directed at Junhong. Jongup just happened to wave back.

Daehyun hadn't been inside by himself for more than ten minutes when his phone started to go off, and he picked it up to find Yongguk was FaceTimeing him. Another wave of confusion washed over Daehyun, and he wondered why Yongguk was calling him instead of, say, his boyfriend, who hadn't been on his phone all day. Junhong would surely take a break in moving if Yongguk called him; he had his phone in his pocket all morning. Daehyun answered the call once he'd let himself think for a moment-- let the confusion settle and melt from his expression.

"I miss you." Yongguk said almost immediately. Daehyun laughed a little, "Wrong number much?" as he took in Yongguk's relaxed position-- his shirtless shoulders and his mussed state. He looked like he'd just woken up-- whether from sleep or a nap, Daehyun wasn't sure. He couldn't connect their time zones and translate them in his tired mind.

"No." Yongguk said, his voice raising with a wonder-- as if Daehyun had made a mistake. Daehyun let the confusion rise again, and it didn't fade away as quick as it had the first time, "You didn't mean to call your boyfriend?"

"No. I miss _you_." Yongguk said. He brought the camera close to his face and kissed it, making a dramatic sound as he did. Daehyun had a brief thought of Yongguk doing that to his neck-- leaning in when he was a little tipsy and kissing his neck in a dramatic way, and then he would laugh his deep laugh, the way he did into his phone's camera, and Daehyun would laugh along-- but now, over FaceTime, Daehyun couldn't laugh.

"Are you drunk, hyung?" Daehyun asked. Yongguk, his laughter fading into an amused smile, told him "No... just a little bit."

"It's a good thing you didn't call Junhong, then." Daehyun said softly. Yongguk laughed-- again and again. When he finally calmed himself into another amused smile, he said "Junhong does hate drinking."

"So do I." Daehyun said softly, and Yongguk scoffed, but it was so playful, and his smile was so big, that Daehyun couldn't be mad-- " _Now_."

 _Now_ \-- now that drinking had been his state when his last relationship ended.

"Nap it off." Daehyun said. Yongguk pouted, "But I'm on vacation--" and that, of all the things Yongguk said after that-- drunk rambling and laughter-- stuck with him. Daehyun thought about it for a moment. _Vacation?_  He wasn't on vacation; he was on a class trip. He tilted his head, and he thought some more, and he interrupted Yongguk's drunken rant to ask him, "You're on a class trip, aren't you?"

Yongguk was silent-- then, "Yeah," and it was short and quiet and he was _lying_ , and Daehyun wondered why Yongguk had told him he was on a class trip if he was really just taking a break. Why would Yongguk lie to him about something like that?

"I have to go," Daehyun said, and he hung up the call and he sat back on the couch and he just stared, blankly, at the blank television in front of him-- wondering and wondering and wondering.


	9. someone

Daehyun hadn't expected to see Yongguk for another two days-- at least one more, so when he showed up on Daehyun's doorstep a short twelve hours after Daehyun had hung up on him, Daehyun was much more than confused.

"What are you doing here?" Daehyun asked, shocked at the way Yongguk shouldered his way into the apartment, not even waiting for Daehyun to step aside. He didn't even bother to say hello-- not until he had dropped his bag on the floor, middle of the room, at which point he turned, and he smiled, and he opened his arms and started for Daehyun and said "I missed you" in the fondest voice Daehyun had ever heard from his lips.

"What-- what are you doing here?" Daehyun asked. He had many more question than that, like _How long have you been back_ , which he could have started with, and _Have you seen Junhong yet?_  but he decided to ask the one, assuming Yongguk was still a little tipsy by his attitude and his smell, and that his brain could only handle the one question.

"I came to see my favorite person in the world," Yongguk said, and his lips met Daehyun's cheek, and his ear, and then Daehyun pushed him away, "What are you doing, Yongguk? You-- are you drunk?"

"A little," Yongguk laughed. Daehyun cringed at the thought, because it was _extremely_  difficult to get Yongguk drunk and, hell, he must have had so many drinks. It was so unhealthy, so bad for his body to drink so much.

Daehyun was pulled from his thoughts when Yongguk's arms found his waist again, when his lips found a new area on Daehyun's neck. It was a spot his lips had met before, but not for a long time, and, as far as Daehyun thought, never again. But here he was and here they were, and Daehyun felt a shiver run down his spine before his hands found control again and he shoved Yongguk away.

" _Stop_ \-- are you crazy?" Daehyun asked, rubbing his neck, "What are you doing here? Junhong moved to his new apartment, you know. He probably wants to see you now that you're back."

"Junhong." Yongguk said, staring at the wall behind Daehyun's head. He shook his head after losing his focus for a moment, and then-- "I love him, you know. I do. But I don't want him. I don't want to see him. I want you. I miss you."

In the midst of his words, Daehyun had looked anywhere _but_  at him, the spiel making his heart jump from place to place, as well as his thoughts. His mind had caught sight of Yongguk's bag somewhere in the middle, and he noticed it wasn't a suitcase. It was a little bag he had gotten when he was nineteen, something he always used when he was visiting his parents and could pack lightly-- his favorite hoodie, a toothbrush, perhaps a book or his laptop. Daehyun looked between him and the bag, choosing to ignore all of his words, "Yongguk, where have you been?"

"I didn't go to Curaçao." Yongguk admitted, tucking his hands into his pockets. He laughed a little bit and then he stopped, hanging his head in shame or perhaps just exhaustion. Daehyun stared at the bag, wondered, "Did you go visit your parents?"

"Yes." Yongguk said. He looked up, and then down, and at Daehyun, and "I needed a break, Daehyun. My mind is so confused lately. You've been making me crazy."

" _I've_  been making you crazy?" Daehyun asked; and he was taken back by Yongguk's nod, by the shamed drop of his head and the nod. Daehyun didn't have to prompt Yongguk to speak again-- no more questions to get answers, "You've been in my head lately. I wanted to forget about you, so I went on vacation. I tried to only call Junhong, but I had to call you, too. I missed you too much. My heart hurt and my head hurt and I tried to drown it all out."

Daehyun didn't realize Yongguk was crying until his voice broke, "I just missed you, Dae. My Dae."

 _My Dae_ , and Daehyun's throat closed up with the words, the expression, the nickname Yongguk had given him so long ago. Daehyun's mind had been in shambles because of Yongguk, but it didn't make him feel better to know that Yongguk's mind was also in shambles, and that he was the reason. All Daehyun could think about now was Junhong, and how this was wrong; and he thought about the fact that Yongguk was drunk and maybe he was just speaking nonsense, because he only ever really got drunk when he was with Daehyun, and perhaps the alcohol was giving him the wrong idea; perhaps the bitter taste of being drunk was making him think he wanted Daehyun back. Maybe it was a mistake. It had to be a mistake.

"You should sleep, Yongguk." Daehyun said. He would sober up, and he would see his boyfriend, and everything might just go back to normal. Yongguk would wake up sober and he would leave Daehyun's apartment to see his boyfriend, and he might remember what he said and feel guilty about it, and he would spend a lot of time with Junhong and everything would just be _okay_ \-- and Daehyun would go back to his confused thoughts but he would be okay with that, because Yongguk and Junhong and Daehyun knew he had moved on, and soon he would feel, again, like he truly had.

"Can I stay with you tonight?" Yongguk asked. Daehyun wasn't going to let him leave this drunk, so, "Yes," and Yongguk smiled and he hugged Daehyun again; and it suffocated Daehyun's heart to have Yongguk this close, knowing Yongguk wanted him for now, but also knowing that Yongguk wouldn't want him in the morning.


	10. who's

Yongguk had been acting strange lately: that was established. However, when Daehyun woke up, Yongguk was gone-- completely and totally gone. He hadn't woken Daehyun to say goodbye, like he usually would. His bag was gone, and not a thing was missing as far as Daehyun could tell-- no new glass in the sink from where Yongguk might have had some water, no dirty dishes from where he might have cooked himself breakfast, no leftovers gone from where he might have heated something up. He was completely gone, like he was never there. _Was_  he ever there? Maybe Daehyun had been dreaming.

Daehyun thought of calling Junhong, asking him if he had seen Yongguk, but Daehyun didn't want to have to explain that he had either seen Yongguk the night before or dreamed of Yongguk when Junhong asked why he knew or thought Yongguk was back. Daehyun wondered if Junhong knew where Yongguk was going, if he knew there was no class trip. Why had Yongguk lied to Daehyun about it? Daehyun had so many questions, and so many confusing thoughts tripping around his brain, and he just couldn't bring a picture together.

Daehyun tried to convince himself it was just a strange dream all day, but he got a message from Junhong around noon asking him if he wanted to come to lunch with him and Yongguk-hyung, who's _finally back!_  and Daehyun spent five minutes staring at his knees because fuck, it probably wasn't a dream and fuck, Yongguk had really re-confessed to him while he was drunk and fuck, Daehyun had no idea if he was going to remember, if things were going to be awkward, if they were ever going to talk about what happened. Daehyun didn't want to face any of these possibilities, especially if none of them happened.

However, his fingers carried a message to Junhong that _I'll meet you there in 15_ , and his legs carried him to the tea shop in which Daehyun and Junhong had originally met, in which Daehyun missed the girl he used to silently communicate with, in which Daehyun slowly re-introduced Yongguk to Korean tea and pastries and life. Daehyun had been thinking about doing in again after this long trip to Curaçao, but he knew, now, he didn't even need to, because Yongguk hadn't left Korea this time.

Yongguk and Junhong were at the same table Daehyun usually occupied. They were sitting across from each other, the table space in front of them inhabited by cups of tea and plates with blueberry muffins. Their mouths were talking and smiling instead of eating and drinking; their hands were holding each other instead of their respective foods. Daehyun stood on the sidelines for a moment, awkwardly wondering if he should even be here.

Daehyun entered the shop hesitantly, unable to walk slow once he was inside because Junhong saw him, and started to gesture him over, his smile happy and compelling. Daehyun forced his legs to move quicker. Yongguk and Junhong both gestured for him to sit next to them. Daehyun looked at Yongguk for a moment, flashes of the night before stuck in his mind, and he sat down next to Junhong.

"Hi, Daehyun." Yongguk said when Daehyun had sat-- when Junhong had slung an arm over Daehyun's shoulder and started to say something. Daehyun smiled briefly at him, "Hi," and averted his gaze. Junhong started to say something again, but Yongguk interrupted, "Do you want me to order you a tea or anything?" and Daehyun almost said no, but having Yongguk gone for a minute would help him catch his breath, so "Yes," and Yongguk left without asking Daehyun what he wanted.

"I'm so happy he's back." Junhong said. He was looking at Yongguk; Daehyun didn't have to follow his gaze to know it. Seconds later, though, Junhong's eyes were trained on Daehyun, and he frowned, "Are you okay, hyung? Did I tire you out yesterday, moving all my stuff?"

"Hmm? Oh, no-- not at all, just... nightmare." Daehyun was used to using the nightmares as an excuse. Junhong widened his eyes, "Again? I thought you only had them for two weeks--" and Daehyun realized his mistake, and he swallowed, and-- "Yeah, but... I watched a horror movie. Different nightmare."

"Oh. Good, hyung," Junhong said, and he hugged Daehyun's shoulder tightly before letting him go. Yongguk returned with Daehyun's favorite tea, setting it down in front of him. He pushed his muffin toward Daehyun, too, telling him "You look hungry," and Daehyun pushed it back, "No, you eat. You had a long flight, didn't you?"

Yongguk and Daehyun held each other's gaze for a moment-- Daehyun's angry and Yongguk's unreadable. Junhong pushed his muffin across the table, "Yeah, hyung-- hurry and eat. You're just barely getting home."

"Thanks," Yongguk said. He slowly took a bite of his muffin, keeping his eyes trained on his tea. He wasn't hungry, Daehyun could tell. What he could have eaten, Daehyun had no idea. He didn't eat this morning, when he left Daehyun's home. Had he gone somewhere else? Maybe his stomach was upset, because he was caught in his lies. It was obvious he knew why Daehyun had such a sour attitude; it was obvious he remembered the things he'd said the night before.

"I think I should go home and study--" and Daehyun almost had a heart attack, because _Please don't leave me here with Yongguk_ , but Junhong was standing, and he was leaning over the table to kiss Yongguk, and Daehyun looked away, his eyes closing. He rubbed them to make it seem like he was rubbing sleep away from his eyes, and Junhong fell for it, a hand comforting the back of Daehyun's neck, but Yongguk did not, reaching over the table when Junhong was gone to touch Daehyun's elbow, to slowly fall away when Daehyun jerked back like Yongguk's touch had burned him.

"I'm sorry." Yongguk said. He had a lot of things to be sorry for, so "For what?"

Yongguk stared at Daehyun for a moment-- then, "For lying to you."

"That's all?" Daehyun asked. Yongguk closed his eyes for a second, and "For showing up drunk, too."

Daehyun urged him to go on silently, his silent stare telling Yongguk he wasn't done yet. Daehyun wasn't searching for apologies, and they both knew it. He was searching for an explanation-- or, at the very least, for acknowledgement of what Yongguk had said.

"I'm not sorry for having feelings for you." Yongguk said. Daehyun lost his breath in that moment, all emotion draining out of him as his head pounded with Yongguk's sober confession. It had been so much different last night. Last night could have been explained by regret, or confusion, or anything else. There didn't have to be any solid feelings behind Yongguk's _I want you, I miss you, My Dae_. It could have been so many other things-- why wasn't it something else?

"I should be sorry to Junhong for that." Yongguk said. Daehyun's lips fell apart, a small breath of shock escaping. He felt tears build in his eyes. There weren't enough of them to splash over the surface, but there were enough that Yongguk noticed-- enough that he reached for Daehyun like he was going to wipe them away. Daehyun moved away-- far, far away. He had never been one to bolt away from his problems, but the next thing he knew, he was home, and he was sliding down his shut and locked front door to cry into his knees, confusion taking over his whole body, wiping him out. He couldn't keep doing this. (He couldn't keep doing this, because he knew what Yongguk was feeling; but they couldn't have each other again. It would never, ever work. They couldn't have each other again. _It would never work_.)


	11. afraid

Yongguk never failed to make himself a part of Daehyun's morning, afternoon, and night. Yongguk had taken over his mind in the morning, and he'd taken over his sanity in the afternoon, and here he was again, taking over Daehyun's exhaustion and confusion. He practically crashed into Daehyun's apartment, hugging him to his chest-- "Junhong told me you had another nightmare. Why didn't you tell me? I was here-- I know I was drunk, but-- why didn't you wake me up--?"

"I didn't have a nightmare," Daehyun muttered, his hands on Yongguk's chest as he tried to push him away. He succeeded after his words-- once they registered in Yongguk's mind and he relaxed. He looked confused; Daehyun answered his questions before he could ask them, "Junhong was concerned about me yesterday. I didn't want to tell him that I saw you last night, so-- I just said I watched a horror move and I had a nightmare. It was the easiest lie I could come up with."

Yongguk let out a long breath. He hugged Daehyun close, "Thank God. I thought I was losing you to nightmares again--"

"I'm fine, Yongguk. Don't you-- have a date with Junhong tonight?" Daehyun asked. He briefly remembered Junhong saying _"I'll see you later-- for our date, right, hyung?"_  to Yongguk before he's left the tea shop; he remembered feeling hurt, and then feeling a hand on the back of his neck as Junhong comforted him and told him "You should get some rest, hyung."

"Yeah-- at seven. I should probably go--" Yongguk said. He stepped back, and he turned away, and he almost left, but then he turned back, and he smiled at Daehyun, and he wondered, "Hey, Dae? Do you think you could do my eyeliner real quick? I want to look-- special, tonight."

Daehyun hated that Yongguk wanted to look special for Junhong after confessing to him like that; and then he hated himself for hating Yongguk's desire when, really, it had nothing to do with him. He tried not to stress too much, remembering that it had even taken Yongguk forever to figure that out-- and perhaps he hadn't yet.

"I haven't worn eyeliner in forever," Daehyun said, laughing a little bit to ease his pain. Yongguk nodded, "I know. Ever since we broke up--"

"Yes. I'll help you with the eyeliner." Daehyun said. He hated that Yongguk brought up their splitting up all the time-- he hated it with a hand on the front of Yongguk's shirt, dragging him into the bathroom. He hated it but he didn't mention it, because something about the mention of their relationship made Daehyun sick and nostalgic all the same; and an odd sense of hope settled into Daehyun's heart as he thought about Yongguk thinking about their relationship-- for some reason, Yongguk was still stuck on him, and Daehyun, for some reason, like that.

"Sit-- or-- I don't know--" Daehyun said. Yongguk leaned against the counter, and Daehyun decided that was good enough. Daehyun reached into his drawer and pulled out an old eyeliner pen-- it was a little dried up but it still worked, especially after Daehyun had sharpened it, rubbed the sharp tip against his dark sleeve to smooth out the rough point, make sure he didn't hurt Yongguk. Daehyun gently started to paint the top lid of his left eye-- a thin, thin, smooth line. It hurt to be this close to Yongguk, but Daehyun tried not to think about it.

"I miss you." Yongguk said when Daehyun had pulled away, when he was inspecting the line he'd created. Daehyun looked at Yongguk as a whole-- at his crossed arms and his leaning legs-- at his nervous expression and his desperate eyes. Daehyun frowned at him, "I'm right here. Stop telling me that."

"You know what I mean, Daehyun." Yongguk said. He pressed his hands against the counter, using them to assist his support. "I've said it enough and-- if I need to say it more clearly, then-- I still love you."

"No you don't." Daehyun said, nearly cutting Yongguk off. Yongguk went to say something more, but "Do you remember how awkward our relationship was? It was the reason we went back to being friends, hyung. It's just how we work-- that's how our relationship _works_ \--"

"I'm never going to get over you." Yongguk muttered, like it was a promise. Daehyun snorted, and Yongguk intercepted, "I'm serious. I am _never_  going to get over you, Daehyun. Whether or not I only have a crush on you, I-- I'm never going to stop thinking about you, and that's not fair to you, or to Junhong."

Daehyun didn't know what to say, or what to do. He was looking at Yongguk-- Yongguk, with the bottom lid of his left eye still void of eyeliner-- and Daehyun took the little facet and made it into a distraction-- picked up his eyeliner and gently pressed down on Yongguk's shoulder, satisfied when he complied to the silent command. Daehyun muttered "Your eye isn't done yet," and Yongguk let him start painting with the black pencil, but not without commenting, "You don't have to finish. I can't go out with him again."

"Wh-- what--?! At least give him tonight." Daehyun said, stopping short so that he could look into Yongguk's eyes. "You said it yourself-- it's not fair that you've been leading him on all this time. Give him tonight. It's the least you can do."

"Will you be upset?" Yongguk asked, hesitant and quiet. Daehyun scoffed, finding himself upset at the comment itself-- but he put his frustration aside, best he could, and asked, "Why would I be?"

"I confessed to you, Daehyun." Yongguk said. Daehyun had had his own problems with the fact, but still, he shrugged, "And?"

"You don't feel the same for me?" Yongguk asked; and it hurt that he sounded so hurt. Daehyun shook his head-- shook and shook and didn't say a word. He felt like if he opened his mouth it would all coming spilling out-- the _'I miss you'_ , the _'I wish you never started dating Junhong'_ , the tears, the _'I want you, too'_. Yongguk knew him too well, though. Yongguk knew him all too well, and he reached for Daehyun's hand-- "I won't see him anymore--" but Daehyun flinched back, sniffled and tried to stop feeling like a baby. He quickly wiped his eyes and told Yongguk "No. You're going out tonight--" and he tried to sound firm, but he was _crying_ ; and then he was against Yongguk's chest and Yongguk felt so much like _home_ , Daehyun felt like he was losing all control.

"You have to go with him." Daehyun said. He stepped back, and Yongguk tried to follow, but Daehyun stopped him, "Stop this, hyung! You're serious about Junhong-- I've never seen you so serious about someone before. You can't let him go just because you might have a lasting crush on me. I do, too, hyung. I have feelings for you, too, but they're minor. They're _nothing_. It's just a part of our relationship-- it's how we _work_."

"They're not nothing to me." Yongguk said softly. His arms looked empty without Daehyun, perhaps because of the way his palms were turned up and his arms were extended out just a little, far enough that his elbows passed his hips and he looked ready to accept another hold around Daehyun's waist. As much as Daehyun wanted to step back into Yongguk's arms-- as much as he should, perhaps, he couldn't bring himself to do it--not with Junhong in the back of his mind.

"But how important can they be, hyung? Important enough that you spend the rest of your life alone just because you can't get over a crush?" Daehyun asked. Yongguk shook his head, "I wouldn't be alone. I'll always have you-- won't I? Friend, boyfriend, husband-- whatever you are, whatever _we_  are, I'll always have you."

"I'm not going to let a crush hold me back from falling in love, hyung." Daehyun whispered. Yongguk's answer was almost immediate enough to cut off the last of Daehyun's words, "I'm not asking you to allow that. I'm just asking you to always be my _something_ \-- even if it is just my best friend."

"But that's not _fair_ , hyung. You deserve to be in love-- you-- you deserve happiness-- you--" Daehyun wasn't sure where else to take his thoughts. Yongguk summed it up for him, "I'll be happy as long as you're my friend."

"I can be your friend while you fall in love." Daehyun said. Yongguk opened his mouth again, but Daehyun didn't let him speak-- pressed his hand to Yongguk's chest and began to gently lead him back, and then his hand was at Yongguk's shoulder and he was pressing him down, sitting him down. Yongguk was going to be late-- was already late, but Daehyun was going to get him there. He was _going_  on this date.

"I'll always be here, I promise. And it's not-- it's not my business, what you make of your relationship with Junhong, but it _is_  my job, as your best friend, to get you to a date you promised to go on, so we're going to finish your eyeliner, and you're going to go on this date--and you better stop crying _right now_ \-- if you mess up your eyeliner, I swear--"

"I'm only crying because you are." Yongguk said, laughing a little bit. It did something to Daehyun's heart, seeing Yongguk laugh like that through tears. It did something to Daehyun's heart, when Yongguk reached up and dried Daehyun's eyes. It did something to Daehyun's heart, when Yongguk lingered close to his face for a moment, looking at him with those big, wet eyes. There was something so readable in Yongguk's expression-- a little gleam that told Daehyun _I love you_. Daehyun had to look away-- press Yongguk down into his seat again.

"You're late." Daehyun said, quickly finishing off the black line beneath Yongguk's eyelashes. Yongguk was silent for some moments, and then he nodded. He turned to the mirror and dabbed away the tears Daehyun hadn't wiped away; he turned back to Daehyun and asked "Good?" and Daehyun nodded, saving his witty comment for when he didn't feel on the verge of tears. Instead, he cleared his throat and weakly told Yongguk "Go. Your date's waiting."

"Are you sure you want me to go?" Yongguk said, and Daehyun nodded, "I'd be really pissed at you if you didn't."

"I'm going to come back a single man." Yongguk said, and Daehyun felt his throat go dry-- just for a moment as he remembered what it felt like to have his heart broken by Bang Yongguk. He felt for Junhong-- "Just... if you break his heart, do it gently, okay?"

"I... I'll try." Yongguk muttered. He picked up his jacket and gave Daehyun one last longing look before he was gone-- no goodbye, nothing further. Daehyun could breathe a little easier with Yongguk out of the bathroom; he could close his eyes and splash his face with cold water and _breathe_. He could think; and he could cry; and he could remember what it was like to go on a date with Bang Yongguk, and he could feel the pain of missing him. Bang Yongguk as a best friend just wasn't like Bang Yongguk as a boyfriend, and suddenly Daehyun wasn't sure which Yongguk he preferred.


	12. to

Daehyun understood the red eyes and the sour mood; he understood Junhong in all of his pain, because a heart broken by Bang Yongguk didn't want to be alive. A heart broken by Bang Yongguk didn't take care of its body. It became insufficient; it started to beat slower and function slower. It was hurt; it was _broken_ , but it was a special kind of broken that couldn't be fixed.

Junhong avoided Daehyun. Daehyun wasn't sure if Yongguk had explained that it was Daehyun's fault that Yongguk left him, or if Junhong just really wanted to be alone in his time of heartbreak. Either way, Daehyun did everything he could to try to talk to the boy. He avoided Yongguk when Junhong was around-- and, really, he avoided Yongguk altogether, only speaking to him or even looking at him when Yongguk settled on Daehyun's couch and tried to pretend the two of them could be normal. His attempts at separating himself from Yongguk didn't catch Junhong's attention. Daehyun had a feeling Junhong wouldn't be the one to walk up to him and talk about his failed relationship-- after all, Junhong had a best friend, and Daehyun couldn't have meant too much to him, especially not with the title of _Bang Yongguk's Best Friend_.

So, Daehyun made an effort to initiate the conversation. He caught Junhong's arm in the hallway one day and asked him, "Hey-- can we talk for a moment?" but Junhong coldly jerked away from him-- "I have class--" and left him there. No amount of running, once Daehyun snapped out of his shock, could have allowed Daehyun to catch up to Junhong before he got to class, long legs quickly taking him away from the situation.

Daehyun spent the day rather upset, which Yongguk took note of when he came over that night. He came in unannounced-- and Daehyun had simply been leaving the door unlocked for him, because he loved to show up at the most random of hours in the night. Daehyun had yet to piece together why.

"What's wrong?" Yongguk slipped onto the couch next to Daehyun, lifting his head so his thighs could take the place of Daehyun's pillows. Daehyun turned onto his back, closing his eyes when he noticed how close Yongguk's fingers were-- as if Yongguk would poke him in the eye. Reflex, he supposed; but he didn't open them when Yongguk's finger were safely coursing through his hair.

"Your--" Daehyun stopped himself from saying _your boyfriend_  as he intended. It was how he met Junhong; it was how he knew Junhong, but it was the cause of Junhong's sadness and the reason he wouldn't talk to Daehyun; Daehyun had to get used to the fact that Yongguk was newly single and pining for him.

"Junhong won't talk to me." Daehyun said. He regretted even bringing it up when his statement was met with silence, when Yongguk's fingers went still. Daehyun didn't open his eyes. He didn't want to face the consequences of Yongguk's expression-- whatever that may be.

"Why?" Yongguk asked. Daehyun finally peeled one eye open, and then the next. Yongguk didn't look angry, or sad, or anything except for confused, but even that was short in his expression. Daehyun shrugged his shoulders, bumping Yongguk's thigh, "I guess-- did you tell him _why_  you broke up with him? Maybe he's upset at me, because you...."

"I mean-- why do you want to talk to him?" Yongguk asked, dodging Daehyun's question. Daehyun frowned at Yongguk's-- _why do I want to talk to him?_  "Well, he's my friend. He-- he _was_."

"I thought you didn't like him." Yongguk said, his voice quiet as he came to terms with the fact that his assumtions-- which Daehyun did not know about-- were wrong. Daehyun blinked a few times, lost. Yongguk was so confusing; his mind was this way and that and Daehyun couldn't keep up.

"Why would you think that?"

"Because I-- I dated him." Yongguk said. Daehyun's frown reached his eyes, and they narrowed with his confusion-- with his new assumption, that Yongguk might have thought "--I was jealous of him?"

"I can never tell what you're thinking. It's part of the reason I was such a horrible boyfriend." Yongguk said. Daehyun looked at him, bitter expression taking over his frown, bitter taste taking over his words-- "And part of the reason we broke up is because you never believed me."

Yongguk nodded quietly, his eyes drifted to the left, freezing upon a spot on Daehyun's couch, or floor, or pillow. Daehyun couldn't tell exactly where he was looking, only that it was no longer at him. His fingers had gone still, as well, and were only in Daehyun's hair for another moment; for Daehyun sat up. Yongguk started to follow him-- hands and eyes, but retreated-- his palms at the very least. Daehyun had the attention of his eyes once again.

"I think we should stop talking about-- what we used to have." Daehyun said. He looked at Yongguk every once in a while-- perhaps every five seconds, or six, or maybe it was four, and then five, and then six, or six, and then five, and then four. It was a glance here and there, so he could see what Yongguk thought, "I'm sorry for saying anything. It's... getting in the way of what we have now."

"I want it again." Yongguk said all too quickly, knocking the breath out of Daehyun, freezing him in his cycle of looking at Yongguk and then not looking at Yongguk. Of course, he had frozen in his state of looking-- in his random look at the man beside him six seconds after his previous glance. Yongguk was looking back at him-- brave in his stare and his movement, in his getting closer to Daehyun, in his words, "I want what we had again."

"Yongguk, don't." Daehyun whispered.

"I won't be sorry for loving you, but I am sorry for bringing it up." Yongguk said. He sat back, "I think it was about time I said it, though. I've been beating around the bush with you for too long-- ever since I started dating Junhong."

"You-- you loved me all that time?"

"I loved you for a long time before that." Yongguk said. He finally looked away, "I never stopped."

"Then why did you break up with me?" Daehyun demanded, his own shock coming out in a gasp. Yongguk simply looked at him, though his eyes were bigger, and he was clearly shocked as well. Daehyun bit the inside of his cheek to keep himself from saying anything else, from having another outburst of emotion.

"Because I'm stupid." Yongguk said. It wasn't much of an excuse, and Daehyun almost wanted to scoff, but Yongguk looked serious, and he looked like he regretted it--everything, so Daehyun spared him the rude remark. Yongguk carefully asked Daehyun another question, "Do you think you could ever forgive me for that?"

Daehyun could see where the question was going-- what other questions it would lead into. Daehyun wasn't ready to hear them, so he shrugged his shoulders and said, "Maybe. But not now," and they left it at that-- hanging over them for the rest of the night, in which Daehyun didn't kick Yongguk out to think by himself, and Yongguk didn't leave.

  
\- + -

  
"Junhong, I need to talk to you." Daehyun said, cornering Junhong in the lunchroom. Junhong nearly dropped everything he was carrying out of shock-- his wallet, his books-- both of text and notes. Junhong placed a hand over his heart, staring at Daehyun with wide eyes, "Hyung, you scared me."

"Talk to me. Please?" Daehyun asked. Junhong sucked some air into his lungs and let it out in a sigh, but it was a sigh of agreement and, "Okay. Fine," and Junhong bought his lunch, and the two of them found a quiet place outside, tucked beneath a dying tree, to talk.

"Are you okay?" Daehyun asked first. Junhong shrugged, opening his milk and taking a sip. "Yeah."

"Are you sure?" Daehyun asked. Junhong's eyes followed his milk as he put it down, somehow maintaining eye contact with the cow on the side of it-- not jumping ahead, to where he knew it would land, and not trailing behind, where it had been a moment before.

"Why do you ask?"

"Because I know what it's like to have your heart broken by Bang Yongguk." Daehyun said. Junhong laughed a little, biting down on his tongue. His closed his eyes, and he shook his head a little, and "I had a feeling he might tell you."

"He does tell me everything." Daehyun muttered carefully. He was still unsure of whether or not Junhong knew why Yongguk had broken up with him. That was one question of many Yongguk hadn't answered last night.

"He loves you, doesn't he?" Junhong said. He had a brand new smile on his cheeks-- one that was bitter and upset, but not necessarily at Daehyun. He picked up his milk again but did not take a sip, and did not follow the cow with his eyes, "He told me he had someone else in his heart. Is it you, hyung? Is it you that he loves?"

So, Yongguk didn't exactly tell Junhong-- but Junhong was smart enough to figure it out.

"Yeah. He loves me." Daehyun said. Junhong nodded, only steadying his head to sip off of his milk again-- one sip, and then he took a breath, and he downed the rest of it. Daehyun thought Junhong might be done, so he went to say "I'm sorry," and maybe just leave him alone, but Junhong started again, "Are you two happy together?"

"We're not--" Daehyun had a hard time ending the sentence with _together_ , for some reason, but Junhong understood, especially when Daehyun went on to say, "Yongguk _wants_  to be, but--"

"Do you want to be with him, too?" Junhong asked. Daehyun hadn't actually been asked that question before, but he had come close to hearing it, and he had thought about it multiple times. Did he want to be with Yongguk? Did he still love Yongguk? He'd come to this conclusion-- at least, he almost had, but the question was the extra push he needed to say-- "I-- I love him. I know that."

A relationship with Yongguk was difficult, and undesirable, but Daehyun knew, now more than ever, that he loved the man.

"He broke my heart, and you still love him?" Junhong wondered, and Daehyun had a brief, rude thought of _Am I fated to you or something?_  because he couldn't seem to figure out why Yongguk breaking Junhong's heart would have any affect on Daehyun's feelings for him. But he knew it did; he knew he hadn't been speaking much to Yongguk or even wanting to see him much because of what he did to Junhong. He had been wondering, though, if it was all because Yongguk had broken _Junhong's_  heart, that made Daehyun feel the way he did.

"He broke _my_  heart and I still love him."

Junhong stared at the cow on his milk, and he closed his eyes for a second to breathe. The cow stared back at him; and Daehyun did, too, worrying and wondering if he was going to be okay. His eyes were glossed over with a thin layer of tears when he opened them-- "I guess I do, too. I guess I loved him after he'd broken your heart, too.

"Do you make him happy?" Junhong paused for a long time before asking the question, but ask he did and answer did Daehyun, "I think I do, yeah."

Junhong smiled softly, his first tear falling from cheek to plate, barely missing his sandwich, "Good.

"Keep doing that, okay, hyung?"

"Yeah." Daehyun muttered softly, "Yeah, I'll try."


	13. get

_Keep doing that, okay, hyung?_ Keep making Bang Yongguk happy--

but it was so, so difficult to do so when Daehyun's mind was so confused, when it didn't know what to think, or what to have Daehyun do. It was difficult when he looked at Yongguk and he couldn't think _best friend_ anymore. His mind went blank and _happiness_  was not the first thing that filtered to the top when his thoughts finally came back from their fear of Bang Yongguk.

"Daehyun," Yongguk said to him a random afternoon-- another random afternoon in which he occupied Daehyun's mind and home. Daehyun could tell by the tone of his voice that he was going to talk about his feelings again-- specifically those that he had for Daehyun, and Daehyun didn't interrupt in time to cut off Yongguk's attempt completely, "Listen, I broke up with Junhong for a reason--"

"Yongguk, I don't want to talk about this--"

"We have to." Yongguk said, persistent in his words and in his body language, straightening his shoulders and opening his palms for Daehyun's hands. He didn't even seem to notice the ways in which his body reacted to Daehyun's, continuing in his speech as though he wasn't moving at all-- "Because I don't think you know what you want, and I need-- Daehyun, I _need_  to know how you're feeling. Please, just tell me. I don't care if it hurts me."

"What if it hurts me?" Daehyun asked, tears finally slipping from his eyes, self-control slipping from his grip. Yongguk chewed on his bottom lip. Daehyun noticed his fingers curl and lift from his knees, perhaps because he wanted to take Daehyun's tears away, but he stopped himself, and he let Daehyun cry on his own. His words were the only form of comfort left, and he tried-- "Why would it hurt you?"

(It didn't work. Daehyun cried a little bit harder.)

"I'm sorry," Yongguk said desperately. His hands fumbled in the air, unsure of what to do. He needed to keep them to himself but he wanted to hold Daehyun so his hands hung in the air, fighting between want and need-- and his voice filled the silence, on the edge of cracking because he just didn't know what to do-- "I need to know what you're feeling, Dae. I-I don't want to assume that you love me, but-- but, why else would you--? Why else are you--?"

Yongguk was making gestures with his hands, now, wild and untamed. Daehyun flinched away from his animated movements, and Yongguk stopped moving, a sigh ending the building confusion. Daehyun rubbed his eyes free of tears, prolonging the action so he didn't have to look at Yongguk.

"Can you just answer one question for me, Dae?" Yongguk asked quietly. Daehyun didn't want to talk, but he didn't want to leave the two in silence. He didn't want to answer any questions-- this one included, but he nodded anyway. Yongguk was silent for a moment, perhaps waiting for Daehyun to look up, but Daehyun wasn't going to do that -- so he left the two in silence, and he contemplated his answer as he waited for the question.

"Why don't you want to be with me?" Yongguk asked, falling into a quick fit of explanation before Daehyun could even process the question-- "I know it's desperate to say, but I want to know. Please-- even if your answer is just _'because we were too awkward'_. I'll accept it this time--just tell me again. Why don't you want to be with me?"

"I do," Daehyun admitted, sobbing into the palms and then into the air, finally dropping his palms to suck in a decent amount of fresh air as he explained to Yongguk that "I do want to be with you--because no one is _ever_  going to know me as well as you do because-- I've opened up to you and I'm _not_  doing that again. It was scary the first time and it was hard because we grew up together and you made me feel awkward and belittled sometimes and I did the same but-- it's _you_ , and we learned and we grew and I'm not going to do that with anyone else-- not at this age.

"But I don't-- I don't because I'm _scared_  because we're going to be awkward again and every time we've had a fight or come close to breaking up I felt like I would lose you-- and then we _did_  break up and I was _terrified_ \-- I had nightmares for _weeks_  and I threw up everything I ate and everything was a wreck because I was without you and-- and I hated you but I _had to_  forgive you because I can't live without you--"

Yongguk had had enough of Daehyun crying on his own; he pulled Daehyun into his arms, a silent movement that didn't cut off Daehyun's words but _did_ , because Daehyun paused for some moments to cry into Yongguk's shoulder and savor his hug. He had more to say but no more breath to say it. Yongguk took over in his speech, gentle, whispered words now that it was truly only the two of them, no space taking up the silence, "I know it's scary--and I know you never believe me when I tell you I was too damn lazy in our relationship, that it was all my fault that we didn't work out, but I'm telling you, baby, it was."

Daehyun sobbed a little harder when Yongguk said _baby_.

"I'm going to work harder for you, because I know. I know the fear and I _hated myself_  for breaking up with you. I still do." Yongguk said. He held Daehyun tighter-- held Daehyun in the way he loved, with his own fingers intertwined with each other, with his wrists against the small of Daehyun's back. His chin was hooked over Daehyun's shoulder; his chest was vibrating against Daehyun's heart, "Give me one more chance. Please, let's try one more time. I'll make it last-- we'll go forever. I promise."

"I don't trust myself." Daehyun said. Yongguk's hands fell apart-- held Daehyun's hips instead of each other, "But I trust you, and I trust myself this time. I can help you with the trust part-- if you trust me enough right now, everything will be fine."

Silence. "Do you, baby? Do you trust me?"

 _Baby_ made Daehyun sniffle again; but he'd practically sobbed himself out.

"I do." Daehyun laughed a little bit-- a little broken and a little strained, "I do trust you."

"Do you want to try again? Just one more time, let's try again." Yongguk said. He pulled away from the hug as he did; he looked Daehyun in the eyes and held his cheeks and he was ready to pull Daehyun in for a kiss should Daehyun tell him _yes, let's try again_. Daehyun gulped, and hesitated for just one moment-- just one because he'd been thinking about it too much the past moments. He didn't really need more time to think-- not too much. All he needed was to look into Yongguk's eyes and realize _I trust this man with my life_ , and he was done weighing the negative and the positive because the only negative was hurting Junhong and Daehyun could handle that; he could find a way to make Junhong feel better, or Yongguk could, because Daehyun supposed their relationship, even ended, wasn't really his business.

"Yes-- I-- I want to--" and Yongguk didn't even let him finish, the happiness overtaking him and pulling him right to Daehyun. Lips found lips; hands found cheeks and Yongguk's slipped into Daehyun's back pockets. In his happiness, Yongguk tucked his arms beneath Daehyun's butt-- when the kiss was over-- and lifted him, spun him in a short circle and then let him back on his feet. They laughed and laughed and laughed-- and they laughed _together_.


	14. close (epilogue)

"I'm not usually this easy, you know." Daehyun muttered sleepily. He had just barely opened his eyes to Yongguk's face-- waking up next to Yongguk was nothing new, but it felt different, now-- different in a way that had been experienced before, but not in a long time. Light was streaming through Daehyun's curtains and falling right onto their bodies, heating him up, but he couldn't bring himself to care. It was comforting and it just made him that much sleepier, but he fought to keep his eyes open as he looked at Yongguk and joked around, "Most of the time I expect at least one date before sleeping together."

"I guess I'm just special?" Yongguk wondered, smiling. His hand was on Daehyun's back; he hadn't kept his hands off of Daehyun for _hours_ \-- ever since that kiss, and for minutes before that, even. He traced Daehyun's clear back, following the smooth road from shoulder to spine, from spine to the curve of his butt. Daehyun shivered at the tickle of Yongguk's finger, smiling when Yongguk did it again--just because he could. He didn't shiver this time.

"I guess you are." Daehyun answered eventually. Yongguk's reply was a kiss-- a brief kiss because morning breath was in no way cute or romantic. He moved on to Daehyun's neck, and he didn't cease his kisses until his lips had touched and soothed every scar.

"You make me even more aware of these damn things," Daehyun said, bringing his hand to his neck when Yongguk's lips had disappeared. His fingers dew Yongguk's lips right back; his kisses reached his fingers and his neck-- touched the scars when he reached more than his hand. Yongguk muttered "I'm sorry, love," and Daehyun's heart beat against his throat and he told Yongguk, "It's okay. It's not in a bad way."

"Scars aren't a bad thing." Yongguk said casually. He kissed Daehyun's collar bones and his breasts; he reached his stomach and his lips surrounded his belly button; he kissed his hips and his thighs, and he stopped there because Daehyun started to stretch and the cutest little noise left his mouth and it drew Yongguk's lips back to his mouth.

"I think," Yongguk said, rubbing his hand over Daehyun's shoulder, "We should go take a shower together," and gently raked his fingers down the younger's arm, "And go get breakfast after that," and then he soothed the little scratches-- quick, quick, before Daehyun could even think about _scratching_ , "And do whatever we want for the rest of our lives."

"The rest of our lives." Daehyun giggled softly-- giggled at the way Yongguk went from _let's shower and eat breakfast_ to _let's live out the rest of our lives_ , but he admired it, too, the way Yongguk could plan for the near future and let the rest of it play out however he wanted.

"I like that." Daehyun said; and he agreed, "Let's go shower, and eat breakfast, and do whatever we want until the end."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you so much for reading this roller-coaster! <3


End file.
